Story

Sabu is a bad neighbor and the state of the union volume one

 if you’ve spent any time at all on the internet the past week, chances are you heard about sabu of lulzsec allegedly pulling a sammy “the bull” gravano (v2) on his shipmates. to what extent the allegations are true against him i cannot say with certainty, but i do think a lot of how the story is being reported in general has a ridiculous subtext. the pictures of him plastered all over the internet and on the news are seriously the most ridiculous pictures of a human being (aside from a crunk lindsay lohan) i have ever seen. doesn’t sabu have a senior yearbook photo that he dressed nicely for? holding a soccer ball? leaning on a tree? even child molesters get the decency of a jail-produced mugshot to go along with their 5 o’clock news story.

if i am wrong, correct me, but i don’t think i have ever seen a news agency find the most unflattering duckface selfshot picture of a murder suspect and run the shit 24/7 as a constant punchline. it has gotten to the point where gizmodo .au ran a story today discussing 

sabu being a bad neighbor, detailing sabu’s late night karaoke rap sessions (which we’ve all done, let’s be real) and erratic sleeping habits. this is hard hitting investigative reporting here, folks.

regardless of the schadenfreude you are deriving from watching sabu get level 99 humiliated for violating bro code, you need to be cognizant of how the average civilian internalizes and interprets the manner in which anonymous/antisec/hackers/OWS/etc. are reported on by the media. try to place yourself john malkovich style in the head of the elderly lady you know at country buffet who smells like mothballs and bingo, or the janitor at your elementary school, or the guy on the riding lawnmower circling your college campus. pick a random person off the street and dive into their domepiece. let us role play for a minute like some real nerds… now that you are in this stranger’s head, objectively speaking, watch or think back to a recent video clip interspersed with images of this scary, terroristlike shadow organization ominously named anonymous flooding your city streets. doesn’t anonymous look like a herd of pasty, awkward, harmless neckbeards with a penchant for wearing clown masks? why are they wielding signs with unintelligible slogans? why do they wear those masks anyway? then who was phone?
moderate digression re: OWS-esque thing:
when you can’t sell a middle-class, average american on ideas like effective corporate governance or equal protection and punishment for everyone under the law (regardless of what fortune 500 bank you ran into the ground), there is a high probability something is wrong with your presentation or sales pitch. to put it bluntly, if you went to my uncle’s/neighbor’s/ex-wife’s/librarian’s house in a guy fawkes mask or ratty felt overcoat and you smelled like a microwaved fart, you could be handing out free gold bars and double-doubles complete with animal style fries and an ice cold fountain drink from in-and-out(tm) but you are not going to be well received based on your choice of uniform. zombie goatse for president 2012.
presently, the most recognizable face and figure of antisec is now a snitching, disloyal, “28 year old unemployed father of two” who is a shitty, obnoxious, loud neighbor – i feel it is also *strongly* implied that he has no IRL friends to take pictures of him or to take pictures with so the only photos that exist of him EVER are myspace selfshots that look like a 13 year old girl’s photo booth reel. this shit is fucking embarrassing – the apparently driving (and, on paper, incredibly meaningful) ethos of the internet generation is being marginalized and caricatured by the theater of public opinion.
to a degree, the same shit happened in the 60s to the hippie movement – decent enough message, good intentions, friendly faces everywhere, but very poorly executed. i can prove it to you very easily with a simple mentalist-style magic trick in 2012:
 
1. click inside the address bar of your browser.
2. delete everything there so that you’re staring at a blank textbox with a blinking cursor, eagerly awaiting your input.
3. envision and imaginate a stereotypical hippie in your head.
4. quickly type out the first three descriptive words about your imagination hippie that come to mind.
no cheating!
p.s. if you self-identify with the term “hippie”, my predictions may be wrong.
 
through my infinite, boundless, and borderless psychic powers, i posit the following:
 
1. “heroic”, “brave”, and/or their synonyms are not in your address bar
2. “victorious”, “triumphant”, and/or their synonyms are not in your address bar
3. the word “revolutionary” or anything remotely like it is not in your address bar
4. no words about drastically altering the dynamics of the military industrial complex of the united states of america are in your address bar.
5. no positive comments about your hippie’s personal hygiene are in your address bar.
6. there is a high probability you imagined your hippie wearing a tie-dye shirt.
7. there is a high probability at least two out of your three words would not be considered societally positive qualities.
8. if “peace”, “love”, and another non-adjective, non-adverb are the three words in your address bar, you didn’t follow directions.
no javascript trickery or spoon bending needed on those psychic predictions. you are also a terrible and sick person for imagining a hippie WITH YOUR OWN BRAIN and then immediately marginalizing his or her accomplishments as a freedom fighter for truth and justice.
if my point is not clear, i am fairly certain that if you were to close the log books and author the history of OWS/anonymous/antisec as a common bystander right now, based on the nature of the coverage by the media and public perception, you could ask kids born today in fifteen years to describe a stereotypical anon with three words and chances are none of the words will be noble or accurate in the context of what the movement itself actually purports to do.
 
I suppose “chaotic”, “terrifying”, and “hypermnesic” work. also, punctual, because you can expect them.
 
the best advice i can give is to jack whatever swag che guevara had because whatever he did branded him hard.
 
surprise challenge: find me a picture or a video of a media-blitzed, “notorious/scary/_____” “hacker” who is NOT (circa time of arrest) portrayed as:
a) a megalomaniac (lol megauploadmaniac)
b) hopelessly neurotic and paranoid
c) an awkward, antisocial “loser”
d) any combination of the above
hardmode: IS conventionally attractive
godmode: IS american
welcome back. i trust you searched far and wide for years on the internet to satisfy my challenge, but have come up empty. for comparison, even mass murderer ted bundy got his props for how well he spit game at the broads HE FUCKING MURDERED AND ATTEMPTED TO MAYBE ALMOST MURDER – look how they put “ladies man” in quotation marks in the header of this article about julian assange. where’s the ONE SINGULAR article about the debonair, joseph-gordon-levitt-looking, nop-sliding, botnet-running, shell-programming, call-of-duty-pistol-popping, suave-swag captain of the irc universe? shit, at this point, i will settle for the mildly-confident, barely-chubby, haley-joel-osment-looking, havij-grinding, source-compiling, neatly-parted-hair second lieutenant of the limewire galaxy, as long as he is portrayed as a relatively normal member of the animal kingdom. it isn’t 1976 anymore – personal computers and heaps of other great nerd-produced gadgets are everywhere now.
 
i know you’re out there somewhere, you fucking gorgeous blackhat hunk of leet man meat. hurry up and get busted already! then when they raid you, have nothing but sex tapes with gorgeous models on your hard drive. the only photo on your mobile phone that is work-safe enough to put on primetime television is you drinking fine champagne in the penthouse of the bellagio (pinky extended) with a grizzly bear, noam chomsky, tom brady, oprah, and neil degrasse tyson. are “evil” internet people the least photogenic and societally clueless people in the world? are possessing the above traits a prerequisite before the ultra supreme council of hax0rs will issue you your hacking and mayhem license? are all of the hyper-attractive, relatively “normal” internet troublemakers given “get out jail free” cards? conspiracy. this is the statement i popped on the #antisec video:
**UPDATE 2012.03.09**
i may indeed be the first rapper in history to endorse a suspected internet snitch. evidence is somewhat overwhelming for it to be simply a disinformation campaign, but, personally, i believe the truth is somewhere in the middle. i will discuss some of my thoughts on www.ytcracker.com.
i sadly will probably retire this song in its current form from my live performances just because i can’t in good conscience rap about this until the grieving period has passed and this song becomes vintage and cute again.
kind of like jokes about the spanish inquisition being funny now but they weren’t very funny in the years circa 1478-1834 (yes, i did wikipedia this).
we now return to your regularly scheduled video information.
for volume two (which i already have mostly typed), i will go into why sabu’s actions ultimately do not surprise me and why you shouldn’t care either way, why the us government treats their hacker buddies with questionable manners, why the us national hacker draft is very important, and i will show you ten easy ways that you can be romantic to your girlfriend for under $10.